There is no heartbeat”, the doctor said, as I lay on the table in disbelief.
It’s been months since I heard those words, but they still linger in the back of my mind.
The emotions that came with those words still linger too. Unfortunately, there is no timeline for overcoming loss. Every person’s process is different. There is no right or wrong way to do it. But I hope and pray that over time anyone that has gone through a miscarriage (or infancy loss) slowly begins to heal from the wound. This doesn’t mean you forget. This doesn’t mean you can’t have moments of sadness. But it does mean you accept what has happened, process, and eventually move forward with a hopeful heart.
THE MONTHS FOLLOWING THE MISCARRIAGE
The months after the miscarriage were HARD. I had at least 10 follow up visits over 6 weeks. I had countless blood draws, multiple ultrasounds, and dreaded phone calls from the doctor. I hated being in the waiting room week after week sitting beside an excited mama-to-be knowing she had something I longed for. It made the whole grieving process that much harder and that much longer (it felt like).
However, I was beyond blessed to have an amazing support system across the country. Though, it didn’t make everything better- the calls, cards, gifts, messages, meals, etc. that came our way reminded us we were not alone in this journey… To anyone that has a friend going through this season, do what you can to remind them they are not alone. Reach out (even if they don’t respond). Show them you care (even if you can’t be there physically). And then when weeks go by, reach out again! (Because that’s actually when they need you the most- after the dust has settled but the lingering emptiness is still there).
Finally, my body healed and we were released to start trying again! Though I was still healing emotionally, I just knew getting pregnant again would make everything better. So we tried. And then we didn’t get pregnant. We tried again the next month, and we didn’t get pregnant. The emotions of hopefulness mixed with disappointment were crushing. By December (4 months after the miscarriage), I was just as emotionally unstable as I was in September when we got the news. I was mad at God for not giving me what I wanted. I was mad at my husband for not making everything better. I was mad at my body for not doing what it is supposed to do. Overall, I was not in a healthy place.
Then it was New Years. Drew was going to be on a 10 day work trip overseas (of course while I was ovulating) so I decided to fast and set getting pregnant to the side. I did my favorite bone broth cleanse (sounds crazy but so good for your body… If you want more info please reach out), then started eating healthy. I focused on my business and really getting in shape. I prioritized time with the Lord and getting my heart back into a healthy place. I was on the road to being healthy inside and out again. It was just what I needed.
A MIRACLE HAPPENED
And by some miracle, at the end of January, we found out we were PREGNANT.
I was at the doctor’s office that afternoon for blood work to check my pregnancy level due to my past history. The results were good! However, my heart was tainted. I couldn’t get excited. I couldn’t let myself celebrate. Instead, I was filled with anxiety that the same thing was going to happen again. At any point, the doctor was going to call with bad news. The following week I went back to the doctor 3 more times for more blood work. My pregnancy hormone levels continued to look good.
At 6 weeks they got me in for my first ultrasound. I was a HOT MESS as I waited for that appointment. I held my breath as the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound. And then I heard it, there was a heartbeat!!!!
I wish I could say that made everything better but it didn’t.
I saw the doctor afterwards and he informed me they also found some bleeding near the fetus and they would need to continue to do some monitoring. I was in shock. This was not the news I wanted to hear. He continued saying, “Only time will tell if this will be a viable pregnancy.” I wanted answers. I wanted to be reassured. I wanted to know everything would be OK.
On top of this, he said to limit working out. I was allowed to walk but no jumping, no heavy weights, no HIIT, no running. These were my outlets and they were also taken away.
THE FEAR AND WORRY CONTINUE
Again, the fear took control. The worry crept in like an unwelcome visitor that wouldn’t leave. What should have been a blissful time of excitement, joy, and celebration left me crippled with anxiety. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate. Instead, I went into survival mode. My new goals- keeping Nathaniel entertained (any way I could that day), try not to throw up, and stay busy (so I don’t have to think about all that’s going on).
Three weeks later, I had another ultrasound. Again, there was a heartbeat (praises)!! The baby was even measuring ahead of my due date (praises)!! The bleeding/ blood clot was still there (crushed). At this point a new doctor gave me all kinds of information for what was going on. She was patient. She listened. She answered every question thoroughly. She brought more peace to the situation… BUT things still weren’t as I hoped for.
SUBCHORIONIC HEMATOMA
I had officially been diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma which was a blood clot near the placenta. Though the doctor said the majority of pregnancies deliver a healthy baby at full term, all I could think about was the fact that 25% of women with a subchorionic hematoma miscarry or have premature labor leading to still born. The fear with this diagnosis is that the clot could cut off nutrients and/or oxygen to the baby at any point.
Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I was doing my best to stay positive, to cling to the good news. But the thought of having another miscarriage haunted me. I didn’t want to go through that heartbreak again.
Three and a half weeks later, I had another ultrasound. Again, the baby had a great heartbeat and was growing ahead of schedule!!!! This time the clot was there but had decreased in size!!! I felt like I finally had some good news and could breathe a little sign of relief.
At this point, I was also released to workout again!!! PRAISES! Not only is working out GREAT for the baby, but it is one of my lifelines. It brings me peace. It can change my mood and attitude. It is a physical way I can release what I am emotionally carrying… And having pregnancy safe workouts were just what I needed so I knew I was taking care of myself and my little one.
With each visit, I gained a little more strength, a little more hope, and a little more faith that things were going to be OK.
TURNING THE CORNER
Four weeks later I had another appointment (16.5 weeks at this point or 17 weeks according to the size of the baby). The tech was amazing. She practically did a full anatomy scan reassuring us things looked great. Never once did she mention the clot. At the end, I asked her and she said it was GONE!!! Yall by the grace of God, the CLOT WAS GONE!!! Just like that. No bleeding. No intense cramping. Just gone! Our prayers had been answered.
I braced for bad news from the doctor, but she had nothing bad to say!! It was gone and shouldn’t come back!
Finally, I was able to breathe. Finally, I could let myself celebrate. Finally, I was able to allow myself to let this pregnancy be a real thing.
This moment of fully embracing the pregnancy can happen at different times for women getting pregnant after a loss. For some, it’s at the end of the first trimester. For others, it’s around the halfway mark after the anatomy ultrasound. Still for others, it’s when the baby is here.
ANY PREGNANCY AFTER A MISCARRIAGE IS HARD
Not everyone has my story. Some people get pregnant right after a miscarriage with healthy baby (my story with Nathaniel). Some people wait years to get pregnant again. Some people have other complications and might even experience another loss.
However, the one thing that does seem consistent with pregnancies after a miscarriage, is the lingering feelings from what happened before. The darkness that surrounds a miscarriage (or any loss for that fact) is not forgotten. Yes, we can heal but the memories are still there. Even in the midst of something so beautiful as new life, the darkness finds a way to creep back in.
If you know someone in any stage of this story, don’t forget to reach out and let them know you care. Maybe they are in the darkness after a loss and just trying to survive. Maybe they are in the months or years of trying and feel a little helpless. Maybe they have gotten pregnant but still carry the darkness from before. No matter the stage, let them know they are not alone. Let them know their feelings are valid. Let them know it will be OK, but it might take longer than they hoped. Let them know peace and hope will come if they allow it (but it will take time).
Please share this blog if you know anyone in this stage. My hope and prayer is that my story can be used to encourage someone else.
Or if you know anyone that’s pregnant and looking for a safe and healthy outlet of working out, share my info! My passion is to walk with women in this season- physically and emotionally. Getting their body moving with safe workouts might be exactly what they need to overcome the fears of the unknown in this season.